Stillness & Silence | February 16th, 2015

Fayston, Vermont

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about." ~ Rumi

Once a year, we pack up our car, "cozy up" the dachshunds in the backseat, and brave the cold. Invariably, and especially with growing climate change, we have to drive through a snow storm to get there. This year, we canceled our pit stop in NYC, and raced up the coast to arrive just before nearly two feet covered the valley like a blanket.

Vermont.

It is sacred land for us. Despite being born and raised in Maryland, I have sunk my toes into Vermont soil from a very young age. I have put in my time on the slopes, enough to get some respect from locals. And, I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with this place and its people every passing year. 

In 2011, I first brought Bobby to "The Little House." A house that has served as a home away from home for my family and their friends since before 1960. This house, complete with its retro charm that makes me smile and think of my grandfather, is a part of me.

It is a place for rejuvenation, reflection, and for sitting by the fire with some Ben & Jerry's. 

It is a place for stillness and silence.

It is also where Bobby and I said "I Do," barefoot by the riverbank with the sun smiling down at us. Last winter, we laughed out loud as we attempted to recreate our first dance in three feet of snow. 

This year, a lot has changed.

The opportunities we had been training, working, and fighting for the past 5 years, are not only at our doorstep, but ringing the bell, and wanting to come inside. Business is booming, giving us time to explore photography that doesn't necessary put food on the table. We are creating a circus with some amazing artists, set to premiere this May. We have made a home, not to mention a new set of friends, collaborators, and clients, here in Baltimore. A city begging to be documented. 

We are finding our place in the world, one step or stumble at a time.

For all this, and so much more. I am grateful.

But tired.

I want to bring my fullest self to all of these opportunities, and the engine starts to sputter out around January. I find myself avoiding the inbox, bothered by its incessant dings, wasting time that could be better spent so many ways, and loosing touch with my spark.

It is time for stillness and silence. 

"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." ~ Deepak Chopra 

One of the most difficult things to do on stage, and in life, is to be still.

Back in 2010, I studied physical theater for 10 months at Dell'Arte International. I came to the program ready to move and ready to work. And yet, so much importance was put on stillness and silence. Something my impatient heart and mind had little time for.

Five years later, it remains the most difficult and important thing to strive for. Stillness. 

Just be. And let emotions move through and out of you. 

Something that sometime feels all but forgotten from our mile-a-minute high-tech society.

My friend Peter often shares words of wisdom via Facebook (wisdom on FB, a funny oxymoron). A couple months ago he said something to the effect of, "wishing people would stop wearing BUSY like a badge of honor."

It caught me immediately. My hands flew up.

By staying busy, I feel important. I feel validated. I feel productive. I feel worthy of my life and its gifts. And most importantly, I feel able to say, "Sorry I couldn't get back to you, I've been so busy this week/month/year."

I find myself wondering, what are we missing by staying so busy?

What is seeping through the cracks unnoticed? 

And what will become of us if we never slow down?

I consider worry to be my nosy next door neighbor who I like to keep at bay, so I don't tempt fate in finding out the answers to these questions.

Besides, I already know what happens to me when I don't slow down. It has been the case since high school when I popped NoDoz to get up early and finish homework I hadn't done after rehearsal the night before. It doesn't turn out so good.

My brain stops working. Like a full shut down.

I get sick. I get frustrated. I get sad and mopey. And I eat waaaay too much.

Basically my life goes into a mini shut down. Which, in the past has not always been so easy to bounce back from. 

There is no room for this behavior in my life anymore. I can't shut down. There are too many moving pieces. And for maybe the first time, I would feel devastated to miss out on any of them. 

I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing for snow days or the kind of sick days where you're not really too sick to enjoy a day off, but too sick to go to work. Come on, you know what I'm talking about. A forced vacation or Daycation, as the case may be. A day away from your life, where you can just say, "screw it!"

Now, for people with children, I know this doesn't really exist. But, humor me.

I know I have really looked forward to those days in the past. And now, as I sit at home waiting for a possible 6 inches of snow in Baltimore, I feel really bummed that I had to reschedule our photoshoot tomorrow because of it. I wish we could still go to the shoot.  

I don't want to miss a single day of my life. It feels so good to be able to say that.

And I know this feeling is only possible because I made my annual deposit at the bank of stillness and silence. 

Thank you Vermont

Story By: Kolleen Kintz

Photos By: Bobby Kintz

This blog is inspired, in part, by the wonderful Anne Almasy's recent blog, Mystery and Madness. And by this article, 8 Dangers of Social Media We're Not Willing to Admit, shared with me by my aunt Patti. Thank you to you both for sharing!